Saturday, December 8, 2012

Sara's Oddtales #1

Sara and the boy who cried....
    Once upon a time there lived an odd maiden who had golden hair and a twinkle in her nose from a cute little nasal piercing. Sara was dating a nice enough boy named Riley who ran an ice cream shop so he had monkey forearms and always smelled sweet.
    One day the pair found a darling little grey kitten by the side of the road and they quickly took him home. For a couple with no children the act of owning a pet together is the first big step and they felt ready to undertake this journey.
    Unfortunately before they could even name him his eye exploded and the rushed him to the Kitty ER to have his eye removed and the poor kitten treated with antibiotics. Of course they named him One-Eyed Jack and took him home to nurse him to health.
    They couple happily fought for the next couple months with many break-ups in between excellent sex. The sex though was not the only thing that kept the couple together. Every time Sara would tell Riley to leave and go back to his parents he would call her up crying at all times. He would leave voice-mails of him just crying. Had this happened during a time where texting existed I'm sure he would have figured out a way to text crying to her. Sara broke down time and time again taking him back only because she felt sorry for his pain and he was great in bed.
    One day after Sara dropped Mr. Monkey forearms off at his parent's house she had a genius idea! She called Riley's mother up and told her she was sick of her son crying all the time and that she was aware that the his mother hated her she had a plan to make everyone happy. Sara offered up One-Eyed Jack. Riley needed something else to love while he was crying so his mother agreed.
    Finally the calls and voice-mails stopped, battery sales went up at Sara's local drugstore, peace was restored to the city and it worked so well she went on to give two other future men kittens when they would not stop crying.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Tooth Fairy Revealed...


   Today a fellow blogger has been dealing with one of her lil' turd makers first lost tooth and needless to say is a bit freaked out. It made me think back to my own short stuff's first tooth loss. What I remember was all the very distinct questions that arose from the introduction in her life of the magical Toothfairy. Oh sure she was very happy to receive her handful of change the next morning (mommy forgot to go to the bank for a dollar since with inflation that seems to be the going rate for a tooth.), but soon the questions followed that me and my future ex-husband tried our best to answer.
   "Why does the tooth fairy need all my yucky teeth?" little stuff inquired. I was quick to respond with "They are like money in Toothfairy Land!"
    Still suspiciously looking at the change from the bottom of my purse she followed up with "Then were do they get all their people money from?"
    My future ex thought about it for a second and replied"They poop it out. Money is nothing but poop in Toothfairy Land!"
   So tonight I leave you with the image of a cute fairy that sneaks into your children's bedrooms at night to collect the teeth to buy food so they can poop out money under your kid's pillows. For more tooth related post go visit my fav mommy blog http://holdinholden.blogspot.com/

Say it aloud with me...


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Exercise might kill me!

I look at people who exercise regularly like other people look at heroin addicts. Most people don't want to get addicted to heroin and give up their time and money to feed a habit. The gleam in the eye of an addict who is jonesing for a fix can be scary. The way junkies go around trying to tell everyone it's not as bad as it looks... everything can be related to exercise. Half the time I want to work out I should not begin my day on facebook because I get exhausted just reading the posts from everyone else who managed to work out before I even woke up. Exercise cost money! There are special outfits to wear, supplies to buy and classes to sign up for! I could end up looking great but be broke. People get ridiculous about being fit and I fear soon I will be aching to work out instead of sitting around watching prime time tv.
Exercising can even have the side effect of eating well! What will happen to my poor child if I stop buying pounds of ice cream and cookies cause I want to be healthy... she will surely rebel when she grows up and feast on all manners of junk food after being deprived while young...
Honestly writing this post has exhausted me... I need to let my fingers rest now... For my own sake I will have to seriously consider if exercise will better my life till then I still have half a box of mint ice cream sandwiches in the freezer.....
    

I hope they have my size...


Something is fishy here...


I think they follow the smell...


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Life Bits Of Stuff: College Move In Day...

Those of you who live in College Towns might not be able to read this next post...It could bring up PTSD in those who have survived. I live in one such town way up isolated in the mountains. I had prepared all week for move in day... I took off work, went to the grocery store and stocked up on coffee. I needed to ride this wave out without leaving the house.
           Today began much as any day does with my 7 year old waking me up with a heart attack as she tried to steal the Maine Coon cat from my bed. After shooting down a bunch of espresso I was ready to do nothing.... until the power company called and said I had missed a payment and to get it credited as quickly as possible could I go down to the grocery store to pay it. Buzzed on caffiene I told short stuff to get her shoes and out the door we went.
            Upon entering town I crazily said to short stuff "Let's go to Walmart and return that shower head that gives the pitiful water flow!"
             Then we entered HELL. The store was swarming with 1000 college kids trying to look cool somehow in Walmart while wishing their parents weren't too cheap for the Tarjay down the street. They were flanked by one or both frazzled parents who would have gladly fought me over the last shower crutain if I had dared to touch it. I could see credit cards smoking in parents pockets as they grabbed pallets of soda, chips and every kitchen item ever known to man.
             Holding tight to Short stuff I plowed through the crowd muttering to myself "Stupid Stupid Me." Then short stuff looks up at me and says the best thing ever "Don't worry Mommy I won't have to move away to college since we already live where it is!"
               After paying we make our way out to the parking lot to play frogger with cars that are so loaded down they can't see out their back window, of course I can't remember where I parked so I had to rely on my assistant to shout "Look the front of that car is Dirty, Old and Green it must be ours!"
               I peeled out of there nearly taking out the drably dressed rich Connecticut People and earning some birds from the flashy dressed and fake tanned Massachusetts people.
               If you are bringing your kid to school this week please be patient, us townies have to deal with your brats during the next nine months.  0> muffin

Monday, July 30, 2012

Baby Names...

When people go to have a child they often check the social security registry to see what the most popular names are. I did this and discovered my top pick was on for 5 years. That prompted me to change it so she would have a name that was slightly unique. Someone should also keep a registry  of popular porn star names. I'm sure there are many moms of Jennas and Tegeans that now regret their choice for their darling little girl.... 0> muffin

It's A Big Mess...


Give me a good rub down...


Since I've Moved Up North I've Discovered Not Everyone Knows This Stuff...